I'm a thoughtful fucking writer

I'm using someone else's actions because they're safer
If you say I love you and I say it back, then I'm safe from conflict for another day
Yet if you say those same words and I tell you that I really need to get away from you
you're going to cry. You're going to feel terrible.
So What? I learned how to type from a computer program.
I learned how to write from a book.
I know what I look like because I saw my self in a mirror.
Hey, look at that can of Pomegranate soda. Wasn't it delicious.
Well, it was until I reached the bottom of the can, when I began to hate the sweetness.
Oh, it was so refreshing in the beginning.

O

Sober I look back on my history...a past ridden with silly dreams. Dreams of becoming something other than what I already was. I've always been something, since I was born into this world. I've had the same family, yet different friends. I've had different dreams, but like my friends they disappeared from my life never to be spoken of again. As my thoughts flow more clearly than they have for months, through the muddle of broken brain cells down into my fingers, I realize that the mysterious is not so. I fucked myself up with drugs. The cocaine, the magical mushrooms, the one-time LSD trip, the pills, the marijuana, alcohol and tobacco. My heart and brain are not the same as they would have been. I'm 23 years old. My lungs are shot. Eyesight, terrible. Yet I often don't worry about death, and in those times that I do I'm quickly reminded to live every moment to the fullest, and to stop bitching about small issues. Just pop some Ibuprofen and everything will be just fine. I worry about my family. I worry about my debt...I've messed up my families credit. I worry that I'll never become great, and greatness means money. The mediocre die poor. A slave with great dreams is still a slave until he realizes those dreams and becomes great. Anyone can fantasize about heaven, but to create it on Earth is more valuable than a mountain of gold and silver. The people need salvation now, not after they've been buried. When a person dies, they no longer need money. You only need meal-tickets if you can eat. And with nearly seven billion people on a planet constantly working and sleeping and screaming and laughing, money means that you can eat. IF one has no money than one will starve. I've felt the pangs of hunger man. I feel them every time I run out of money. The people who live safely don't ever go hungry. Most people plan their lives out carefully, like veteren chess players. Hunger reminds me that I'm not just a mind floating around pursuing silly dreams. My dreams are of humanity. I was born and I will die. This body will grow old for me, yet I will move on. Yet before I move on I am here. I worry about my mother. She works so hard to maintain this life for us. What can any one person really do in a system? This system is merely interconnected groups of people, yet when you are outside of the group, an outcast, you don't get fed. The pack doesn't feed outsiders. The pack lives to keep itself alive. If you're not contributing to the hive than the shoulders are turned and you must fend for yourself. We're not talking about wolves here, we're speaking of this race of humans. Humans hunt, yes, but we also gather and store. Certain Humans have travelled all across the entire world and gathered and stored and marked everything that contains energy. These are the pack. The system has been set up, and the creators of this system ensured that all who are involved with this process are safe. If you contribute money to the system, you are keeping it alive and therefore yourself and your family will live. HOW WILL YOU LIVE IF YOU ARE NOT WITH THE SYSTEM? You won't live. You will die. That is the power of the system. Most don't even question the system. Most question themselves. "How can I be of use to this system?" "How can I contribute?" They ask. We ask, "What is my job?" "What is my purpose?" "Who AM I?" Our brains haven't been washed, we just DON'T KNOW anything else. If we did we wouldn't be here. You can't get wealthy unless you do something great. You can't do something great until you understand how great you are. You can't understand your greatness until....FUCK. I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever comprehend myself. Glimmers within dreams just aren't enough.